He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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