i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
