I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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