I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
