Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
