i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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