Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My ATM looks so different sober.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
