I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My bed smells like the plague
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
