I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
