Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
