Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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