I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
