I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
