Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
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I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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