were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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