If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
