Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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