I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
