Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
