my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
