god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
