I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
