my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
