Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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