Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We left the knife in your bed.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
