So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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