Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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