I think I won the penis lottery.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
