If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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