do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
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My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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