Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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