Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
