I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
