i was born a porn star she said
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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