My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
