Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
