Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
