I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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