I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
