So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
