just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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