My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
