Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
