I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
