I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
