She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
