He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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