Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
