We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
