I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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