I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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