Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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