Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
