I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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