hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
