i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
