when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
