im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
