I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
