I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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